Cocoanut Grove 2: Electric Boogaloo


Brittany Cormier, Correspondent

Nashoba is grossly overpopulated. It is probably one of the few schools in America where you can get run over by a floating teacher’s cart or trampled by the shuffling 1,039 brain dead students in our small, cramped, 128,077 square foot building. The maximum capacity of our school is only 1,250. The number of students for the previous two years was 960 and 980.

With my CP Math education I can determine that if we continue to get sixty surplus students, we will reach the maximum occupancy limit in a little less than four years. The Cocoanut Grove nightclub exceeded it’s occupancy limit. Almost everyone there died.  Ever noticed that all of the public buildings in Massachusetts have doors that open out instead of in? The Cocoanut Grove didn’t have those. They had doors that open into the panicking mob and those useless revolving doors. With all of those people pushing and trying to get out, very few people actually could. So, when the blaze was finally put out and the bodies need to be counted, there weren’t enough toe tags and the nurses had to mark the dead with their lipstick.

Do you see where I’m going with this? There isn’t enough space. Recently I went to Littleton High School, which is almost brand spanking new. It has arches and the plants there aren’t dead. And space. I don’t think anyone there has to worry about being trampled when escaping from the frantic flames of a five alarm fire.

Beyond that, it has been made clear that Nashoba is long over due for a makeover. All the plants we have are dead, there is also the fact that the ceiling always leaks, and the whole bottom floor is consistently at sub zero temperatures. We sent a man to the moon; I think we can figure out how to keep a room at a balmy sixty degrees. Or if that’s too difficult, we could start by fixing the five-year leak in the newest part of our building.