Before you get your pants in a twist, yes this is satire, and no, I’m not going to walk into a college fair with a flame thrower. Regardless, listen up.

Picture this – you’re sitting on a maroon colored seat, the edges are fraying, your palms are sweating, and you’re attempting to focus on anything but the fact you just agreed to pay the small price of $55,000 dollars a year to sleep on a bed too short for your body, eat food too toxic for your stomach, and sit in a lecture hall where you can’t tell whether your professor is in cardiac arrest or just that old. This can mean only one thing: you just put yourself in debt for the next forty years of your life, or, you know, until you go beyond the grave.

Now you may ask: could there possibly be a solution to such a stacked issue? I propose one thing. Drop your things, don’t unpack those bags, leave campus. On your way out, light a match. Light a match and drop it on the quad, watch as all the grass catches and burns that capitalistic horror to the ground.

Obviously, there are consequences to our actions and I’m sure the fire department won’t be thrilled about that fire hazard but in the end, those colleges are going to be too busy to really worry about you when they’re attempting to salvage their stupid folders of quick tips and facts .More importantly, this revolution will trickle down so that higher education will no longer have to mean poverty.

Even if we pay off all those bills for that dream school, we’re still not getting the occupation we need in the workplace. Ever look at Beyonce? She didn’t need college to get where she is. However, I’m not saying we don’t necessarily need college, but if we’re paying 60,000 dollars a year to get a minimum wage job as a preschool teacher, who’s the real winner? I’ll give you a clue: it doesn’t begin with “y” and end with “u”.

So fight fire with fire, before we get burned.