So we had a pep rally last month. You may have noticed it, before you lapsed into a tryptophan-induced Thanksgiving coma. Cheers were led. Songs were sung. There may have been a pie-throwing at some point, but I really don’t remember. The point is that many people were underwhelmed by it – “that was some good school spirit we faked”, I’ve been told. Many people in the school spirit promotion community felt that it was a flop, and that the spirit week before was “dismal”.

So why has our school spirit been destroyed as if by proton beam? Perhaps the answer lies in our mascot. The Chieftain does not truly represent the proud warrior spirit of our school. It is old and racist (it has a Native American on it).

The school, if it wishes to revitalize our school spirit and optimize our pride-possessing capabilities so that we may become lifelong members of the Nashoba community (in line with that acronym that gets brought up from time to time), should change the mascot of our proud school to the noble and majestic narwhal. This, unlike the dusty Chieftain of yore, perfectly represents the character of our school. Like the students of Nashoba, the narwhal is strong, proud, possesses no true dorsal fin, and spends most of its life under packed ice in semi-arctic conditions (like those of our very own science labs). In the middle ages, narwhals were dubbed “sea-unicorns” and their horns were said to neutralize all poisons – surely, this is a brilliant metaphor for how our own distinguished Nashoba community hopes to denature the toxins of our society by creating proud lifelong learners. And, best of all, no one has ever done this before. No school in the great state of Massachusetts, or, indeed, the world, has ever chosen this paragon of mammalian sporting virtue to represent them on the field and at the pep rally. No longer shall our opponents fear the Spear… they shall fear the Tusk of Respect.

The choice is as clear as the crystalline waters of the Arctic circle, and as easy as the international shipping lanes opened up by the slow melting of the northern ice sheet. Choose originality. Choose sportsmanship. Choose a layer of blubber that insulates against the cold waters of life. Choose…the Nashoba Narwhal.