Hello Class of 2018! I must say, if you’ve found this article in the first twenty four hours of it’s posting, you are a particularly sagacious, hawk-eyed young person indeed. Nothing gets past you, huh sport? If not… well better late than never.

I couldn’t think of any articles to write other than this, so here you are and here I am, giving you tips to survive high school. I’m turning into an after-school special as we speak.

To kick this off I will bestow upon thee the deadliest sin of the hallways: walking in clumps, cut that out right now no one likes that. I’ve got places to go and you are very small. I could spear right through you with no regrets. In the same vein, all of that icky girlfriend-boyfriend stuff. The hand-holding, face-sucking, nasty stuff. I don’t see it a lot but I hear people talk about it and it sounds raw as heck. Keep that for after school when your parents aren’t home.

Number two. DO your homework and pass your work in ON TIME. I know kids tend to be stuck in the here-and-now and can’t see their future very well, but doing your work now will lend to an easier time later on. And if you aren’t a cutie-patootie like me, I doubt your teachers will just give you extra time without warning them.  Your homework totally counts too, it’s not just for show. When you don’t do it, your grade plummets fast. When you’re a junior or a senior you’re going to look back and go “Damn, I wish I had cared about my grades, my GPA will never recover!” but by then no one can help you. If college was a part of your dreams, it certainly won’t be anymore. In fact, you can say hello to a cute visor and unflattering horizontal stripes because Mickey D’s is in your future.

Be kind to your teachers. I doubt they want to be here anymore than you do. Sure they get paid to be here, but they’re still trudging through the halls, some with murderous, heavy carts, and slogging their way through the relentless broiler that is our school. In the end, they are truly trying to look out for you. No matter how mean you think they are or how much you think they don’t like you, they’re looking out for you. Our school’s faculty is pretty okay in reality, they don’t want you to fail, it would make them look like bad teachers and that would be bad.

And you know what, don’t be afraid to be who you are, no matter how weird the real you is. It’s really hypocritical advice coming from me, but hey, I think I’m getting better. Being you gets easier with age I’ve been told. My mom, she just has no more you-no-whats to give yet she swears up and down that she’s oh so shy. Do any of you have a shy mom? Didn’t think so. In the end, it’s better to be 100% you all the time, because if someone has a problem with that, it has nothing to do with you but reflects very poorly on them. Unless the real you is a jerk. There’s no helping that.

So remember kids, break away from the vertical herd, do all your work, always be kind to others, and be you, because you is awesome.